Except for that one short post in September., I took a serious hiatus from this site because I thought I should take life by the horns and deal with it, instead of whining and groaning.
In the past months since I made that conscious step, I have taken more than several rides on the trains of joy, enthusiasm, hope, disappointments, longing, anger, exasperation, desperation, hopelessness, and grief. It ultimately led to a profound sense of realization, shaped every day by brief musings and long mulling.
While I deal with quotidian details -- what do I cook for breakfast for the kids? do I make coffee now and make scrambled eggs later or do I make the eggs first? when is the garbage truck coming? do I wash the dishes now or wait until after the kids leave for school and deal with a huge pile in the sink? when is my next car payment due? -- I also grapple with questions like: where do I go from here? when do I go from here? do I want to go from here?
In the meantime, the people I love and care for are making milestones of their own -- new jobs, new phases, new accomplishments, new lessons in life. A family member graduates. A friend moves to another city. A godchild blossoming into a beautiful lady. A friend losing a job. A friend getting a new job.
Will I see them again? For sure. Will I see all of them again? Maybe not.
I choke at the need to swallow this harsh understanding. At the same time, I know that once I get past the gagging feeling, I will feel liberated from the regrets (of being far away) and be strengthened by the realization that there are powerful forces at play in the universe. These forces that made it possible for me to see my old high school best friend after more than 20 years, to help in bringing my sons to a place where better opportunities thrive, to build a working friendship with my sons' father will also make it possible for me to kiss and hug and hold the people in my life back home, and to value the wonderful memories with people in my life whom I may never be able to see again.
Realization is always a work in progress.
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